Such is life.
Why do I have 3 tumblrs I don’t even know the difference like, one is blue one is teal and one is turquoise they’re all me but DIFFERENT. Also I’m exhausted why am I awake I have to be up at siixxxxxxx also I don’t believe in punctuation starting halfway through this post. Ok now I am using it again. Anyway, all I can think of to say is that finally I know Beyonce’s “Countdown” so well that I can sing it by myself. Also I really need to get my eyebrows waxed. Over and out.
I’m sitting here in the laundry room of my dorm when suddenly I think of God. Amongst these sea foam green walls, the 6 washing machines whirring simultaneously, and the scent of laundry detergent and wet clothes I think of God. I watch a boy, still in his pajamas, take his clothes out: one washer of whites and one of darks. He probably feels pretty great about separating his laundry while I separate mine “towels socks, etc, and all the clothes that I don’t want towel fuzz on” because I’m lazy. A girl comes in, probably having a productive Saturday because she’s doing laundry. Maybe she thinks the same about me. I’ve lost track of time. I want it to be 11 AM-a whole day ahead of me, maybe I have evening plans, dinner with friends, a movie night. It’s not and I don’t. It’s already 5 and my plans tonight are folding my clothes. These past two weeks have blurred together like paints blurring together from once bright, crisp colors to a now muddled brown. I don’t know where my faith in God has gone. I want it to be here again and I want to be living each day fervently for our creator, but I’m not. I could go through the motions I used to go through when my relationship with God was at its strongest, but they won’t mean anything and I don’t want to do them. I don’t feel the same when praying, but if God is who I once thought Him to be, then he will hear my prayers, despite how empty they might be.
I asked him last night in my restlessness to give me a unique relationship. Maybe the old one wasn’t working and maybe I need more. If He is so huge and limitless, then so is the potential for a relationship with Him. Maybe my relationship won’t be about doing day-to-day “Christian” acts like not swearing and preaching the Bible. Maybe they will be more silent. Maybe they will be the tips of my fingers in a laundry room at 5 PM on a Saturday. Maybe not, but I’m not sure of anything in this world, so maybe my life isn’t meant to be normal. Or maybe it is.
I think I’m in a funk right now. A February funk, to be precise. January was energized and purposeful and felt right. February doesn’t feel wrong, but it isn’t January. I keep my phone by me, pretending that a friend will call and ask me to do something tonight. I will have a fulfilling adventure and then life will seem clear again.
I think growing up and figuring out life isn’t having permanent clarity, but instead realizing that sometimes life will seem clear but that will soon be gone, so cherish the clarity while you have it and know that when it’s gone it will soon return, so don’t worry too much.
Yesterday was great
just because the love of Jesus gives me eternal joy and all
doesn’t mean I can’t still feel sad and alone with all my heart, mind, and body.
“Tears This to Your Grave”
“From Under the Crying Tree”
“Infinity on Cry”
“Folie a PLEUR”